lifesong
Everyone needs compassion
And love that never fails
Let mercy fall on me
When everyone needs forgiveness
Kindness of the Saviour
The Hope of the nation
Saviour, He can move my mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything that i believe in
Now i surrender
Shine a light in and
let the whole world see
Singing, for the glory of the risen king
Jesus, Shine a light and
let the whole world see
Singing for the glory of the risen king
Monday, November 20, 2006
-10:56 PM
i was so silly today.
i shared my problems to qing, of how thoughts have been filling my mind.
of how much i miss you, of how much i wished that only both of us existed and at least, we could be together. and of so many "what ifs".
how much it pains me.
"no matter how much we quarreled, i still knew that i wouldn't be able to do without him. but in the end, i still had to do without him."
i used to wish that you could have left me for another reason.
okay, maybe not for another girl, but for some other reason.
at least it would kill my feelings.
the truth is, after so long, i still love you. i still love you, so so much.
and i hate the memories that come back to me everytime.
i find myself tearing when i think about those really nice times, but at the same time, i hold on so dearly to them cos that's the only thing i have left of you.
and i may never have these same memories ever again.
i always promise myself to never cry again, but i always do. i always do.
i wish i could control it. but i miss you so much. i miss the times when i could look at you when you were sleeping, or can play silly things with you, i miss having simple dinners with you, i miss having bubble tea and heh mee with you, i just miss you. your small eyed smile, your smile that makes me forget so much worries.
i dream of you now and then, and when i wake up, i hate myself for dreaming of you, cos i know you're never coming back.
but today, one tight slap came to me, waking me up to reality.
yeah, i don't love you now, i love the you in the past.
i miss that person. and now, i'll just take it as he died, and he's never coming back. cos you say you've changed.
why are you so silly? how could a person just stop loving you just because she says that she wants to?
feelings aren't easy to forget although i wish they were easy to.
i've been strong all this time, i say i won't cry, but i'll watch you cry. but in the quiet, i'll still end up crying.
i won't leave your side, and i want to be there for you till the end of time.
that's what i'd always think. i want to be strong for you, and i still want to love you.
but i woke up today, i've been holding on to something that has already left my side.
that no longer loves me the way he did.
i've been giving you so much, silently. i make the first move in talking to you even if your nick is "no mood" or some really depressing thing.
you know, even before i type something, i get scared. cos i know i may get hurt again.
but i pluck up my courage. i just want to see you smile, make you happy.
and you know, that day when i fell, i'd think, if i could just hear your voice, i don't mind falling a few more times. lol.
i always say "the most impt thing is that you're happy." but even as i say that, i can feel so much pain inside.
as much as i want to see you happy, i sometimes wish that i was the one who was always making you happy.
i don't say things, it doesn't mean i don't feel them.
all this time when i've been trying my best, all you do is return with really cold replies.
i guess, i've been so dumb all this time.
i can't believe how badly i'm tearing while i'm typing all these out.
it's okay, i've woken up today. i guess i should really let go.
whatever i wish for, is now impossible.
what's in the past, will be left in the past.
and what's in the future, i only look forward to the time when i'll meet someone new, someone who can make me smile, make me happy, make me feel that bliss i felt in the past when i was with you.
all i know is that someone, can no longer be you.
i guess i've been suffering quietly alone. you're the one who meant so much to me. more than anyone ever has.
but from today, it is goodbye without turning back.
i've killed all hopes for anything now.
and for the last time, i'm gonna say this,
i love you, enming. even from the start till today, i still love you like before. and nothing has changed since then.
but i won't say this anymore because i'm moving on cos i know you can no longer be mine and i can no longer be yours.
i just hope i can see you smile more often now, and lead a happy life.
and i promise i will, so you won't have to worry about me anymore. (:
and i promise, no matter how hard it is to walk away from you, i will still do it.
i'll force myself to.
it was love that brought us together, and now, love is also the one that's pulling us apart.
study hard, make your parents proud.
i know you always get worried when exams are around the corner, don't call yourself stupid. cos you're not. i think you're amazing.
really. (:
i pray that you'll never forget how good God has been to you.
i hope that you'll be a happy little boy from today onwards.
goodbye, enming. from now till a long long time, goodbye.
take care baby.
i pray i'll not miss you anymore.
goodbye, and for the last-est time, i love you baby,
i love you.
goodbye.God, please help me to be strong through the times that i think i can't. thank You.
